Music has always been spiritual for me. It was never about the words, voice or melody but the connection and feeling you get when listening to a number. Music got me through every single situation I had ever been through. I feel it to the point of complete exhaustion that is because I internalize every single emotion felt through a song.
Over a year ago I met the love of my life and my life changed. Here’s my Truth and my Why.
In 2015 after two years of battling with colon cancer, sleepless nights and constant anxiety my father passed away. My heart broke. He was my best friend, my protector and half of my soul. The first man who loved me with the intention of pure love. I was numb, confused and lost. I postponed the process of healing because that would have meant acceptance, I wasn’t ready.
In 2016 I fell in love with my best friend of nine years. I always felt like that was supposed to happen. It felt right and perfect at that time. However, He rejected me and completely shut me out. We went from talking every day to having no conversation at all no matter how many times I tried. I was hurt because the rejection made me doubt myself, my beauty, my intelligence and my worth. I postponed the process of healing because that would have meant acceptance, I wasn’t ready.
2017 was not kind at all. I was involved with someone who was not only manipulative but emotionally abusive. The thing about manipulative people is that they are perceived by others to be good. They have a way with words. Every action is purely to take something away from you. I call this the knock out relationship because it literally knocked me out. I had taken so many hits and that was it. I was completely broken. He made me feel less in every way. Was that his fault? No! it was mine. I allowed it and became what he wanted. Weak, broken and easy. Every emotion felt at that point was heightened. Unfortunately I couldn’t postpone healing anymore.
My soul was in pain. My heart was so broken my soul absorbed every feeling. The pain slipped into my soul. Walking around with a wounded soul is a different level of hurt. Existing became a burden. This may sound dark but those who take their own lives die before they physically die. The saying that the eyes are the windows to your soul is real, you can see life through someone’s eyes. My soul was slowly dying. Everything that excited me didn’t anymore. I needed death at that point not because people hurt me but because I didn’t know how to bring myself back from the pain. I didn’t know how to stop myself from feeling it. I felt it all day every day. It was exhausting and tiring. I couldn’t trust myself anymore. I was supposed to protect myself and the parts of me that no one should have ever violated but postponing healing made me available to everyone.
The craving for music came at this point of my life. I was numb to everything else but music. I just didn’t want to listen to music I wanted to make music. The more pain I felt the more I needed to write and sing. I decided to record myself singing a song that literally brought me back. The Garden by Kari Jobe wasn’t just a song but my anthem. Every word said in that song was everything I needed to hear. It was Gods message to me. I sent the recording to an acquaintance who proposed introducing me to a producer I could work with. The reason I sent the recording was because I needed someone, anyone to feel my pain through that song. He happened to be talking to me that day and I happened to be vulnerable enough to share. My intention was to be heard.
In the beginning of January 2018, I met Him. He was the key to my healing, my purpose and everything else I needed. We connected through music. He allowed me to make music that I needed to make. I didn’t sound great but he taught me and guided me through it, He still does. Music is a completely different language but my desperation was at an all-time high. After six months of weekly meetings, recording, honest and deep conversations I fell in love. It was different. It was safe. It was perfect. It is perfect. It is whole and it gave me purpose. Through him I feel the love my father felt for me. Pure love with no intention to take or hurt. Love is the intention. He makes music from love. He taps into his soul. The way he plays the piano is spiritual, he reaches you. He lives for music. It is now my purpose. It is how I found a brand new me. The old Me had to die for this new version of Me to exist.
Not everyone has the opportunity to heal through music. We all go through challenges and sometimes we are knocked out. Most times we don’t know what we need when we are broken. He and I decided to pick up an exclusive event he once held called Acousteek Lounge. The event’s sole purpose is to create an atmosphere for healing through music. It allows you to feel and face the pain. We work with vocalists who are willing to be vulnerable enough to tell their truth. Our fourth edition was extremely emotional. Guests were crying and some of them told me they needed that experience. I believe by sharing we create an atmosphere for truth and most times that’s all we need. Artists share their truth and guests have been healed through this. It is not an easy event to organize and I get anxious days leading up to the event. It is never about how many people come but how many people we impact.
I may not be the best writer, vocalist or event organizer but I know my Why. No one can bully me out of my Why. No one is as sacred as my Why.
Know your Why and fight for IT.
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